Now You See Me

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The FBI and Interpol assign detectives to investigate a team of magicians – the self-proclaimed ‘Four Horsemen’ (Eisenberg, Fisher, Harrelson, Franco) – who perform elaborate bank thefts in their shows and repatriate the money that they steal to their audiences.

Now You See Me, a movie that tries so desperately to be this generation’s Ocean’s Eleven, is one of the most boring, inconsequential and utterly preposterous movies I have seen this year [no hyperbole]. This confused, half-arsed mess of a film is over-stylised and heavily post-produced, presents completely dislikable characters that do sod all, and has zero story arc. Zero. Nada. Nothing. Zilch.

The film has a singular, long, flat, dull act that trudges along in first gear and barely makes it to the finish line in one piece. No amount of lens flare (of which there is an obscene amount), or Isla Fisher flying around in CG bubbles, or Jesse Eisenberg being the jive turkey cunt he plays so much of late, or Dave Franco shooting CG flames out of his sleeves, can save this movie. It’s absolutely awful.

One of the huge problems I had with this movie was its tone. It’s nestled somewhere between magic shows in which they try to present the magic as ‘real’, yet has scenes filled with CG effects that aren’t magic at all, where it’s basically a fantasy narrative. The Prestige, a movie also about magic, barely relied on CG effects to deliver its scenes of wonderment. Now You See Me used a computer to execute card tricks, which was a complete insult to the entire concept of magic.

Another issue was the writing and the story itself. The screenwriter felt compelled used Basil Exposition in the character played by Morgan Freeman. The only scenes in which we see the Four Horsemen (which should be Four Horsepeople on account of Isla Fisher) together are when they are on stage or about to go on stage. There are no character dynamics explored, nor is there an explanation of motivation for the great mystery revealed at the end of the first act, which as discussed, is at the end of the film.

The final nail on the coffin for this movie was how the crowds were reacting to each trick. In the final scene, whole swathes of people, chant and whoop for these characters in a similar display to the people of New York City in Ghostbusters 2. It was such a strange departure from the tone of the rest of the movie.

I could go on and on about it’s utter failure as a movie, but it’s not even worth my time. Now You See Me, the movie which if you do what the title says, you’ll be bloody annoyed you did.

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Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Where do I start…?

I am sure everyone has heard of Birdemic: Shock and Terror. It’s occupies many of the ‘worst film ever’ lists online, and it lingers awfully close to the absolute bottom of IMDB’s Bottom 100, which is partly why we are reviewing it here.

I’m going to steal IMDB’s synopsis because it begins to perfectly highlight how amateur this movie is:

When a platoon of eagles and vultures attacks the residents of a small town. Many people die. It’s not known what caused the flying menace to attack. Two people manage to fight back, but will they survive Birdemic?

DISCLAIMER: the most important thing to note before I get into the meat of this review is Birdemic wasn’t written by a 15 year old. In fact, the writer/director was born in 1966 and has had over 40 years human interaction upon which to base his characters’ conversations.

The biggest thing that struck me while watching Birdemic was how watchable it was. In reality, it was so bad. I don’t think there are enough negative adjectives to adequately describe how shitty this movie was, but in a weird way, I enjoyed it. I think it has an unknowing irony that makes it hilarious to watch. Everyone is trying so hard, yet failing in every way, which works for me. It wasn’t cringe-worthy to the point of being unwatchable, it was just crap and hilarious and I laughed a lot.

All of the technical aspects of the film were laughable. It’s nearly an hour and a half long, yet with a half-decent editor it could be trimmed to under an hour. It’s like Kim Chow left all of the pre and post roll footage on each clip, so we had scenes ending with characters starring into the void. The sound recording, mixing and music constantly shifted in quality, and scenes set in the same room had different room tone and gain issues, so everything sounded inconsistent. The lighting between shots was patchy and the visual effects on the birds might be the most unintentionally funny CGI in any film ever.

Holy shit, London is under attack!
I see no tea so this must not be London.

The women in Birdemic were the most weak, pathetic, misrepresented and one-dimensional women in the history of cinema, who all needed a man to help them financially, orgasmically, and to escape from kamikaze exploding pigeons. Apparently, the most fulfilling things a woman could experience in the world of Birdemic were shopping, modelling for Victoria’s Secret and having awkward footsie while kissing really noisily. The characters in general were flat, the acting was beyond wooden (the most believable performance was from a young girl stuck under a truck) and the dialogue was written by a man who has been alive for longer than some of my uncles. Here are my favourite lines from the film;

‘Doesn’t help to have a secure financial husband to support you’

What is a secure financial husband and is it good for my sciatica?

‘When are you gonna grow up, man? Chicks love cars! If you wanna get into her pants, you’ve gotta have a hot Ferrari.’

It’s true, chicks love wankers with expensive cars.

‘Maya and I have to get back to work…you know, sensual work…’

That gets my girlfriend DTF, especially when I say it in the presence of acquaintances.

‘Guys, this is revolutionary green tech. Contingent upon agreement on our term sheets, we’re gonna fund you.’

How the actor managed to say that second sentence is beyond me.

‘I like to travel, I like to cruise. And I enjoy watching television!’

OK, mom.

To round up, I think James Nguyen was channeling the spirit of Alfred Hitchcock when he made Birdemic. His shot choice, use of pans and dissolves, and direct pilfering of the plot from The Birds, were definitely Hitchcockian, but unfortunately he fell just short of the mark for Birdemic to be considered a modern day classic. There is a message of green energy, global warming and true patriarchal values woven into the thick tapestry of Birdemic, and even though it absolutely fails at being a well made film, it was watchable, and at least they made a movie. And that’s more than most ‘filmmakers’ will ever achieve.

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He made them stand like this through the credits. And the birds never get further away.

The Hottie and The Nottie

Ooo look, it’s the full film on youtube, should you wish to join in the fun… 

Let’s just get a little background on this film before we dive in. The Hottie and The Nottie (2008) was written by Heidi Ferrer, who’s writing credits on IMDB include one TV movie, two episodes of unknown TV shows and two episodes of  Dawson’s Creek in 1999. So we’re not exactly dealing with Shakespeare, but none the less she has written in the English language before and she is female. Two facts you wouldn’t necessarily get from watching the film. The film ‘stars’ Paris Hilton and is generally acknowledged world wide as a critical, financial and human rights disaster. I added the last one.

As per the usual disaster movie format, here are a few notes we made whilst watching the film….

  • Paris Hilton’s character’s name is Christabel- Too dumb. Refuse to acknowledge that.
  • Awful wardrobe and framing of the shot. The most unnatural scene ever.
  • She actually runs over him with the car. He would be dead. I hope he is dead so this can end. Shit only 5 mins in…
  •  Teaching people horrific morals
  • The year book actually made an animal noise when they looked at the pic of June
  • ‘Hotness of one girl is directly proportional to the hideousness of her best friend’- oh yes that well known saying. That no one said. Ever.
  • Have to tame the nottie/monstrosity/beast to get to, quote, ‘the hottest girl in LA’ end quote. Well done Paris for blowing one of the producers to get that line in.
  • Stalks this woman. Not funny. Psychotic.
  • This film is Paris jerking off to herself
  • Paris can’t act
  •  Her phone number has like 4 digits
  • Why does the guy need to be albino? Weird looking so must be weird -theme running through
  • WHAT?? Why would she look like that?? No reason. At all.
  • Keep on making horse noises when they show June!!
  • Paris can’t act.
  • That other bird can’t act
  • This film is attractive people having a really shit joke
  • ‘A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers’
  • I hate everyone in this film
  • Paris can’t act
  • ‘Pay our bar tab bitch’- I hope all these characters die.
  • Written by someone cracked out on crystal meth
  • Why would she wear knickers under her swimsuit??
  • Toe nail thing is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.
  • Why would he still have loser on his car?
  • Paris actually in on manipulating her friend
  • Why do people have no manners or morals in this film???
  • Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!
  • All men are arseholes in this film too
  • Paris can’t act
  • Shock horror, everything wrong with her is cosmetic and can be really easily fixed.
  • I can’t watch this anymore……………

This film is definitely the worst film we have ever seen. Disaster Movie looks like Citizen Kane compared to this. The 1.9/10 rating this has on IMDB is overly generous. We need some sort of mental cleanse after this. Or a lobotomy.

Coming up in the ‘Disaster Movie’ series, it’s no. 3 on the IMDB worst movies off all time………

SUPERBABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2

Here is the trailer to whet your whistle:

Disaster Movie

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‘What did I just watch?’

You only have to look at IMDB’s ‘People who like this movie also liked’ list to find the cinematic calibre of Disaster Movie. It shares the same shelf as Fat Slags ‘filthy toilet humour but we love it’ (not my quote), Superbabies 2: Baby Geniuses, Going Overboard (Sandler) and Pledge This (Paris Hilton). I know we are doing a section in which we watch the Bottom 100 on IMDB, but I honestly didn’t think a film that was made in 2009, a fairly innocuous-looking parody of disaster movies, could be so amazingly terrible.

I honestly won’t be able to do the film justice with a review. It really is something you have to see to believe, so I will just list some of the notes I made whilst staring agape at my TV.

  • Shame on you Apple for product placement
  • Would downing a bottle of tequila make you burp for a minute? ‘joke’ too long and disgusting
  • Why would there be a massive Ambien bottle with no medical instructions and just ‘AMBIEN’ written in big letters?
  • And then boobs
  • WHAT?! That midget had to be under the duvet for the whole scene?
  • Terrible pop references – shitty reality shows Sweet 16
  • I only laugh when I realise how stony-faced I am while watching a comedy
  • Molestation on the “lesbian” – she doesn’t like dick so let’s molest her!
  • What…the…country for old men
  • Kim Kardashian and Carmen Electra are just awful
  • It really has no soul – it’s so half-arsed the sound effects aren’t even in synced with visuals
  • It’s like watching a shitty meme video on YouTube but feature length
  • Why is a 40 year old playing the Juno character?
  • There must only be about 20 extras because a woman in a purple shirt is just running across the same road over and over again during the meteor shower
  • Humour comes in threes, when the humour is funny… Three unfunny things in one joke is 3 times as unfunny
  • He punched the baby!
  • Oh but OK, the baby got its own back by coming out of mother’s vagina and kicking him in the face
  • Set piece after set piece all filmed in tableau vivant – the only time I stand in a line all facing forward while talking is when I’m pissing in a urinal
  • WHY IS HE WIPING SHIT ALL OVER HIS FACE?!
  • So he called a black guy a ‘dark peasant’. This film is racist.
  • Why is Michael Jackson in the boot?
  • Stop hitting women and children
  • Where is the cut on her shoulder?
  • Fuck this movie.

Disaster Movie is insane. It offends black people, gay people, women, children, Batman, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and the art of filmmaking. It is a white male, conservative comedy, which is the worst kind of comedy. It makes Judd Apatow look like Spike Lee. But I recommend watching it because 1.9/10 on IMBD – the lowest rated film on the website – means something, eh?