Classics reviewed by a 13 year old: Citizen Kane

CK

Ugh. So my stupid dad thought we should spend some time together this weekend, so he dragged me to the BFI in London to watch a really this crap black and white film called Citizen Kane. I don’t know why he was so excited because all I saw was like 3 hours of talking and nothing else. On the poster is said it won some Oscars, but that was like back in the Victorian times, so it doesn’t surprise me. Literally all they had back then was coal and bad teeth. That’s what I learnt in history anyway.

Anyway, so the film was about a rich man in America who dies and then it’s like a flashback to when he was poor. THEN NOTHING HAPPENS for the whole time. There is this crazy search for some roses for the whole film (why didn’t they just buy some), and then more talking. Then he becomes rich and there are newspapers flying around everywhere (I think that was then), and then he dies again. All of his stuff gets burnt and then for some reason the film ends looking at a stupid snow sled. Sorry, but that’s just a terrible ending in my opinion. Can you believe that people were clapping the film when it ended? #Idiots.

To conclude, if you want to watch a film that has no point at all, watch Citizen Kane. The black and white colour was a poor choice from the director because it was too dark sometimes, there was too much talking, and they didn’t even find the roses that they were looking for for the whole stupid film.

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Classics reviewed by a 13 year old: Rear Window

YAWN
YAWN

So, the other day in my English Language class we watched this really old movie called Rear Windows. Basically a guy with a broken leg looks out of a window for ages and sees this woman get killed, which was totally boring and like the Simpsons episode I saw ages ago. It was made like before the world war 2 happened because they spoke with stupid accents, and the camera hardly moves (I guess they didn’t have the correct equipment to make the editing quick), and I felt like I was watching a play.

Teacher told us that the director Alfred Hitchcock is the master of suspense, but if I saw him on the street I’d tell him to add some better music in his films because I don’t like classical music with violins or bass lines. Honestly, if I have to see another one of his films I might literally die of boredom. That’s not to mention the acting was lame and he clearly didn’t have a broken leg because if he did why is he in a wheelchair? He’s not paralysed.

All in all I would say don’t bother with this film. It’s slow, it doesn’t make any sense (why doesn’t he watch TV instead of looking outside???) and the ending sucks because it’s really unrealistic.