Iron Man 3 came out in the UK this week. In honour of Robert Downey Jr’s arse-kicking, mega hero, here is a list of ten bad guys and girls that we think rightfully belong on cinema history’s rubbish [garbage] heap.
10) Jurassic Park: Dennis Nedry
I’m not sure about you lot, but I think I hate this guy more than any villian in any film ever. If there weren’t dinosaurs roaming around killing everyone I’m pretty sure Richard Attenborough could have caught up with this diabetic bastard and taught him a lesson or two.
9) Super Mario Bros: King Koopa
Split-tongued, rubbish hair, looks nothing like anything in any Mario game ever. Dennis Hopper said yes to some questionable roles, none more so than his turn in the WORST video game adaptation in history. Doom, you can stop holding your breath.
8) Snakes on a Plane: snakes
7) 3 Ninjas – High Noon at Mega Mountain: Medusa
Saw this movie back in ’98 on a pirated VHS (remember those?). Colt, Rocky, Tum Tum and a washed-out Hulk Hogan have to battle the big-breasted blonde siren, Medusa. It’s not like the 2 movies that preceded High Noon at Mega Mountain were Oscar-worthy, but this, and she, was truly awful.
6) This guy
5) Birdemic: the birds
Watch this film. It’s the funniest thing we’ve seen since Grabbers, which was actually supposed to be funny. The birds, rather than looking like epic vessels of apocalyptic destruction, appear to be GIFs of parrots cut-and-pasted over the live action. We are currently doing a post for Disaster Movies, but if you get the chance the full movie is on Youtube.
4) Batman and Robin: Mr Freeze
If you had told me way back in 1997 that Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man more wooden than a piece of wood having a particularly woody day, would go on to become the Governor of California (yes this actually happened people) then I would have told you to lay off the meth and take a time out. Mr Freeze is by far the worst of all Batman villains, saying some of the worst dialogue you’ll ever hear in a Batman film.
3) Star Wars The Phantom Menace: Darth Maul
Everything about this character was unbelievably annoying. His face looked like inside of a gone off watermelon, which may have been scary if it didn’t look like the prosthetics had been stuck on with chewing gum and the make-up done by someone at a local fair. Give me a fat, slimy, slug looking creature over this poor excuse for a Star Wars villain any day..
2) Harry Potter Series: Draco Malfoy and his merry band of arseholes
He has the looks of Aaron Carter, the smugness of Piers Morgan and the same amount of threat as a common cold. And just like a cold, there didn’t seem to be any cure for him. He stuck around for seven fucking films, leaching from one film to the next, getting more and more bloody annoying as the series developed. Turns out he wasn’t really a villain anyway, he was just a massive douche.
1) The Mummy: Benny
Goddamn it, this weasel brings nothing to The Mummy apart from a stupid, high-pitched cackle laugh. Wasn’t it enough having Imhotep running around nicking people eyes?