10 films that made us want to gouge our eyes out

Please, just take our eyes.


1) Littleman: This 2006 ‘comedy’ film produced by the Wayans’, directed by the Wayans’ and starring the Wayans’ is terrible enough to make me suggest a family trip to the doctors for immediate institutionalisation. This film was so bad, so amazingly insulting to mankind it’s almost comical. A black, fugitive midget masquerades as a baby to avoid being caught by the law. WHAAAAT? No seriously..WHAT?? Now, Marlon Wayans, I’ve seen Requiem for a Dream so I know you are better than this…

2) Requiem for a Dream: Having just been mentioned, I think this film, despite being incredible, definitely qualifies for this category too. Darren Aronofsky’s mind-bending look into drug use is as beautiful as it is harrowing. Visually, this film reaches out of the screen and grabs you around the throat. The film will touch you and consume you and you will never want to watch it again.

3) Jurassic Park 3: With Jurassic Park 4 looming ever closer, now would be a good time to reflect on the monstrosity that was JP3. What started life as a simple and well executed idea in the original film, morphed into an ugly, part-dinosaur, part cash-cow-shaped franchise that humped the life out of any integrity that was contained in the original Jurassic Park film. By the end, when the film basically morphs into Godzilla, I wanted to rip out one of my eyeballs just so I had something to throw at the screen.

4) All the Harry Potter Films.. maybe not the last one: Just like how she needed to talk about Kevin, we need to talk about the fact that the kids in Harry Potter CANNOT ACT! WHY CAN NO ONE ELSE SEE THIS???? Inside voice.. inside voice. Woman in Black and The Perks of being a Wallflower have shown in recent years that Radcliffe and Watson clearly have the chops to star in major films, so what happened for the first nine years of HP?? Granted they seem to have got the hang of the parts by the eighth film, but then it features the least talking so I’m not surprised. Be it bad direction or miscasting, the Harry Potter films are a source of constant rage and disappointment for myself.

5) Young Adult: This film, although not in the same league as some other films mentioned here, definitely had me wishing that my partial sightedness was full-on blindness. It features an horrifically awkward sex scene between Patton Oswalt and Charlize Theron that was harder to watch than anything from the last 10000 Saw films. I haven’t felt that uncomfortable since watching, with my Mum, Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman getting down to it in Black Swan. ‘I thought this was a nice film about ballet’ says Mum…


6) Martyrs: This is on an IMDb list of mine titled ‘Films that I still think about long after viewing’, and even more so than Requiem for a Dream, is a film that leaves you feeling void of all emotions. A graduate from a recent school of French horror, Martyrs asks existential questions and answers them in the most chilling way imaginable. Watch, but at your peril.

7) Reeker: This is the only film I’ve ever thrown out of the window. Literally. I bought this on DVD, was less than impressed by the fact I lost 90 minutes of my life, so launched it into the main road that backed onto my halls of residence. Unfortunately the digital disc was versatile, didn’t shatter into a million pieces, and after a week of watching it get battered under car tyres I put it in the bin because I felt guilty for littering. Avoid.

8) Blades of Glory: I got slapped at a party once for saying that I don’t find Will Ferrell funny, which I feel is a massive overreaction anyway, but this movie proves me right. As a member of the Frat Pack, Will Ferrell has starred in some of the biggest grossing comedies of all time, and while I did enjoy Anchorman, and found him quite excellent in Stranger Than Fiction, Blades of Glory was one of the most unfunny, boring, contrived movies I’ve seen.

9) Home Alone 4: I’m not even sure in what context I saw this movie. It was about five years ago and it wasn’t watched ironically. Maybe I was hungover or something. All I remember is thinking how terrible it was. If John Hughes was alive today I’m sure he would’ve started proceedings to sue Debra Frank and Steve L. Hayes for making a complete joke of his characters. There honestly was a better character arc in the Pepperami adverts of the 90s than anything in Home Alone 4.

10) World War Z:

But it’s not out yet?

Having watched the trailers for World War Z all I have to say about it is you can do way more with less CGI. Look at The Dark Knight Rises. While much can be said about the plot, the final showdown between the Police and the criminals was choreographed with extras and it feels real. Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later had real zombies (hmmm) and it was bloody scary because you can place yourself in the situation of the protagonist. WWZ looks completely fake and if you are desperate to feel genuine dread and have the choice in June between WWZ and getting your head stuck between metal railings, choose the latter.

This list is by no means exhaustive. Let us know what films were so bad you wanted to cause physical pain to yourself as an alternative to watching it again?


9 thoughts on “10 films that made us want to gouge our eyes out

  1. To be honest anything featuring the Wayans will leave me with a desire to gauge my eyes out (with a spoon). But recently probaly Sucker Punch had me reaching for said spoon. Actaully I would have dug deeper and tried to remove the part of my brain, which had any memories of Zach Schneiders bloated waste of 2 hours.

    1. Good point! While 300 was original in its style, I feel Zach is the new Leos Carax; all style and 0 substance. Although Carax’ Holy Motors won the hearts of many critics! What do you feel about the World War Z aesthetics? Do you think CGI zombies will be good enough to create the feelings one would feel if humanity is on the edge of destruction?

  2. Agreed 300 was a visual milestone and I have love for The Watchmen too (although I know I’m alone in this but the comic was a staple of my childhood). Holy Motors felt like a typical critics movie and was lost on me completely, but you’re right in the style/substance reference. I just watched the WWZ trailer and apart from the whole movie being spelled out in 3 minutes I don’t think the threat will be the same as any Romero zombie flick. I like my zombies thick as custard, looking ridiculous, and as easy to kill as the common slug. Saying that 28 days later worked and in a complete circle Zachs DOTD remake wasn’t without certain charms.

    1. I completely forgot he helmed the DOTD remake. I actually loved that movie! I think the most scary zombies are Danny Boyle’s creations in 28 Days Later. That scene in which Brendon Gleeson turns…wow.

  3. LOL @ Reeker – Now I know someone else who’s seen it…

    I have an unwritten draft of this sitting in my “all posts” – you’ve inspired me to go write it up!!

    1. OH MY GOODNESS! Please get it finished! It was the first DVD I propelled out of my window after staying up all night at a party. What a waste of money that was!

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